the meanwhile

What a term....... well until today I did not know what this meant..but like all the terms... I found out what this meant...
perpeplexed, may be intrigue, but over all amazed... why do we need to find partners meanwhile we are waiting for the one... is it truly a meanwhile the guy or girl we are dating or is it that we are afraid of being alone and actually finding out ourselves.. may be.
But apparentely there is sucha thing as having a "lover" or a meahwhile "while" you wait for the one.. is it for sexual pleasure? is it for company? is it for trying to fill a void that the other person left or is it just for the hell of it? I don't know may be it's all of the above.
But why I ask myself do we need these specific people in our lives? do we actually learn something from the meanwhile? is it to wait for the real one? but what about if the meanwhile was the one, how would you know then...
and what do we invest in the meanwhile, do we invest emotions, sex, dinners, conversations or just the regular phone calls?
i have never have a meanwhile but then I wonder, was I somebody's meanwhile... while i was falling in love they were just trying to kill time while the one came along... I think it has happened to me more than once...
But now that i know all of this information would i go out there and try to look for a meanwhile... may be in the meanwhile let me try to find myself again.

la soledad de mi corazon

Eres tu o sere yo….estare equivocada o tal vez estaras equivocada… que soy yo mas que una cancion matutina desafinada.. que eres tu mas que letras de musica no antes escuchadas. Y nuestras miradas se juntan y una sonrisa indistinta se marcha con una mirada que dice adios, hasta luego, hasta nunca jamas espero algun dia volverte encontrar.

En esta soleda que atrapa a mi corazon destrozado.
Aquí por estos lados donde el sol no sale y la lluvia cae perpetuamente
Mientras yo te miro partir en mi imaginación
Mientras tu me dices adios
Mi mundo sucumbe ante tal desolación.

Por favor dime que alguna ves me recordaras
Que alguna ves te acordaras de mis simples canciones de amor
Lo que me duele no es verte ir pero saber que algun dia te olvidaras de miY de lo que algun dia fue..y como el viento y el polvo en nada me convertire

i have been wanting to write something about life and how it works... well what do you do when you feel that life turns around and present you with this questions that are almost cynical...... just when you think you have found the one there is the one that you have been waiting for all your life, although you can't do anything since you are taken..
what would you do then
what ?
would you leave the person you are with, to risk everything to see how the other one would have turn out? may be may be not...
but i ask myself why does this always happens when you think you are the most happy person, is it to test you. is it to test your happiness, or to test your comformity with life.. i don't know i just know i won't make the same mistake i made the first time

instinct

Would you trust your instinct?

You know sometimes when you have a feeling that something is going to happen, but you don’t know how to explain it or describe it… it’s just this funny feeling in your chest. Or all over your body or in your head..
Sometime it tells you something good is going to happen sometimes it tell you something bad is going to happen…now the question is would you follow that instinct and try to avoid the situation..

you as the human being

what are we really doing? a part of me every day thinks that work is just that work and nothing else, that from 8 to 5 am suppose to dish out some type of progress, but I never stop and think that I am really making a difference on somebody's life..
Has anybody taken a moment to think about how when you told that person next to your cubicle, in the store, at the gas station, good morning or I hope you have a nice day, there was something that you changed in the process.
Have you ever thought that you as a single person might have change the lives of different people weather it was for good or bad? have you?

sometimes I think we never think on how our input in anything does make a difference. If we made somebody smile, somebody cry, somebody think about their lives, if we help somebody in need, if we made somebody sad... people will tell you that you can't make other people feel anything but it's themselves the only ones that can make that happen, but what about if that were not to be true...what about if we actually have the power to influence emotions on people....
somebody used to tell me that she was not the one making me angry but that i was angry beacause i wanted to be angry...
well I am not in accord....I think as humans beings we do have the power to influence other people weather we want to accept it or not....may be we tend to "blame" the other person because we do not want to take responsible for somebody else....
It's easy to say well she is crying because she wants to ......than to say she is crying because I hurted her feelings... and it's my fault....
I belive we should start taking more responsability on how we influence this world as single human being.

WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?

Que es lo que quieren las mujeres?

alguna ves te has preguntado esta pregunta? tal vez no o tal vez si. La verdad es que hoy me pregunte esta pregunta. En todo este tiempo creo que nunca llegare a enterder ya que la mujer es tan complicada.
Bueno por ejemplo hoy me encontre con una mujer tal vez tan sencilla o tal vez mas complicada de lo que me lo imaginaba.. esta vez la verdad me tomo a preguntar la prenguta, que quieren las mujeres.....
Al encontrarme con ella, ella hizo todo lo posible por demostrarme un lado tan amable un lado tan gracioso y amistoso y tal vez tan sutil que no concordaba con su imagen de butch.. pero despues de eso durante toda la conversacion, solian salir cosas como por ejemplo de todas sus novias, de sus pasatiempos...en fin... ella me conto tanto pero al final pues sentia que estabomos jugando un juego...un juego de dime que te dire? dime algo tu que yo te dire lo que quieras oir. hubo un momento en el cual ella me pregunto que a ella solamente le gustanban mujeres inteligentes.. pero a que se referia con inteligente.... ya que hubo un moment en el cual decidi hablar acerca de la futilidad de la clase de comunicacion que tenemos hoy en dia....Hoy en dia tenemos el mensaje de texto, el correo electronico y un sin fin de cosas que podemos usar para no tenernos que ver cara a cara y solamente decidimos mandar un mensaje que no dice nada que esta abierto a la interpretacion de aquel que lo recibe.... bueno la verdad es que no hubo argumento alguno de la parte de ella solamente aceptando lo que habia dicho.

En todas mi relaciones hasta hoy en dia. Siempre yo he sido la que ha pedio la que ha demandado y pues la verdad es que me he divertido, pero solo una persona en esta vida es la que he querido que demande de mi lo que yo demando de las demas y ella la verdad no demanda vas bien me da. Pero que es lo que quieren las mujeres la verdad es que no lo se.

mi cancion favorita.... se la dedico a mi ex...... por que realmente.. ya paso a la historia.... y otra ves me dejo un cicatriz difcil de cubrir.... pero pues me tuve que ir....

Me Voy

Julieta Venegas

Me voy Porque no, supiste entender a mi corazón

Lo que había en el, Porque no, tuviste el valor De ver quien soy

Porque no, escuchas lo que esta tan cerca de ti Solo el ruido de afuera

Y yo, que estoy a un lado desaparezco para ti No voy a llorar y decir,

que no merezco esto Porque, es probable que

Lo merezco pero no lo quiero, por eso Me voy,

que lastima pero adiós Me despido de ti y Me voy,

que lastima pero adiós Me despido de ti y Porque sé,

que me espera algo mejor

Alguien que sepa darme amor

Dese que endulza la sal Y hace que, salga el sol Yo que pensé, nunca me iría de ti Que es amor, del bueno de toda la vida Pero hoy entendí, que no hay suficiente para los dos No voy a llorar y decir, que no merezco esto Porque, es probable que Lo merezco pero no lo quiero, por eso Me voy, que lastima pero adiós Me despido de ti y Me voy, que lastima pero adiós Me despido de tiiiii…iiii…... Me voy, que lastima pero adiós Me despido de ti y Me voy, que lastima pero adiós Me despido de ti y Me voy, que lastima pero adiós Me despido de ti y Me voy, que lastima pero adiós Me despido de ti y me voy

la persona indicada?

Como saber cual es la persona indicada, la persona indicada con la que pasaremos el resto de nuestras vidas.. o tal vez por 10 años o mas o menos. La verdad es que yo no se cuando comence a creer o a no creer en esto de el amor….
Por que muchas veces es creer solamente… yo creo que la amo, ella cree que me ama pero en realidad nos amamos? Tal vez…quien sabe solo nosotras dos….. pero cuando, cuando va a pasar que voy a decir con esta persona he de terminar, he ha qui la pareja ideal…
no lo se… busco la respuesta en tantas cosas, en sus palabras, en su mirada, en mi pensamiento, en mi mente, en la calle cuando manejo y mis pensamiento se cuelga de un semáforo.
Un dia de estos me puse a pensar que en realidad yo he estado con suficientes personas para hoy saber cual es la persona, la mujer indicaba pero es este miedo de perder lo que tengo… nunca me he visto casada… y mas bien mi mente rueda y se conecta a otro planeta donde mi vida esta anclada a una selva, donde solo vivo yo y mis recuerdos como mini películas que día a día puedo volver a ver, y mis libros de compañía. La verdad es que no se si llegue a pasar el dia en que yo diga hoy me casare…..pero quien sabe tal vez…mientras tanto le pregunto a medio mundo

cuando sabe usted que la persona con la que esta casada era la indicada……?

por todos los que has amado

En un instate me robaste el corazon,
en un minuto me enamore de tu tan preciando amor
en una hora me conoci, te conoci y se te olvido conocerme
en cuantro meses y un dia se te olvido que estaba enamorado yo de ti
y tiraste todo a la basura y decidiste caminar sola por provar otra aventura.

El amor es de minutos, muchas veces de horas otras de meses, otras veces de decadas
y raras veces dura por una vida entera.

alguna ves te has enamorado?, alguna ves te han dejado?
alguna ves te has fijado en aquella persona de la esquina y considerado sera ella mi vida?
alguna ves te has alejado solamente para despues volver de regreso?
alguna ves te has ido y sonreido por que el pasaso hoy es pasado y por fin lo has dejado?
alguna ves has llorado cuando el se ha marchado para despues levantar la vista y ver el sol brillar?

Tal vez si, tal vez no, tal ves nunca esto a ti te ha pasado.
El amor no pide permiso, no tiene tiempo, no tiene reglas y muhcas veces se niega a ver la verdad por mantener la illucion.
a ti, a ti que te has enamorado, que tal ves te han desilucionado, que tal ves ha alguien has dejado o que tal ves alguien te ha dejado a ti, te dedico este corto poema de cancion de trobador que pretende nada mas que hablar de una pasion sin razon..... el amar con todo el corazon

these old feelings inside

Yesterday was full of fun, full of laughter and dancing and singing......Wow, it has been a while that I had not done such thing...Just be free without any hesitation to sing your lungs out, without any care of what is going to happen the next minute or the next hour just feel and let life take it's course. I believe that life should be felt, and now and then think about it.....Many times we tend to deny feelings and repress them deep down inside that we sometimes forget how it's like to feel them. People tend to forget how to cry or how to be angry, just because our society has made us into these beings that are suppose to be strong and a glance at our own feelings is a statement of our weaknesses, well I think otherwise, I think a sign of anger, of pain, of love it's a sign that we are stronger than ever before it's all these feelings that shape us every single day and that we carry all through out our lives........ Next time when you feel like crying, or being mad, or just plain old happy when every body else is not happy , well just be, because life is too short to do what people deem as right and to repress the true you..

letter to my sister

Hello,

How are you doing? Well I hope that everything is well with you…….lol…I know you are going to start laughing and telling me “ it’s a letter but you did not have to write it in that format you nerd”…..lol. I know but it’s kind of funny anyways..
The first time I met you I though you were a little chunky cute baby….lol but there was something else that I saw in you a determined stubborn kid… don’t laugh.. but it’s true…once I came here and we started living together well I continue seeing that kid….just growing up….into a stubborn little girl…lol…determine and only God knows that once you were doing something there was nothing or nobody that could take you away from it. All through that time I was hoping that you would grow up and be the best that you could be. I used to tell you how to dress and what books to look at and what TV shows to watch because I wanted for you to be better than me.. and here we are 15 years later after the first year that I met you. You are still stubborn and dedicated. And that dedication has taken you to this glorious day your culmination of high school. It’s funny and a bit sentimental to think that you grew up so fast….was it a couple of years ago when you saw me off to college?, well now It’s your turn. I have always known that you are an intelligent kid, and that you could achieve whatever you want in this world, no matter what obstacles are in your way you will prevail and you will see through them. I know that for sure. That same stubbornness of the little girl 15 years ago still prevails but now instead of playing with dolls and trying to stay within the lines whenever she colored, has been transformed into reading books of 200 and more pages until the weee hours of night, and into a meticulous critic of current events and our so so erroneous political system….lol…and the many many ways that we could better this world if only your ideas were to be heard. I just want to let you know that I am very proud of you no matter what happens, what you do, where you go I will always be proud of you. Today it’s just a little stepping stone to a better tomorrow and to an adventure that will be both hard and joyful. Congratulations in your High school Graduation.

Your sis.
Rocio.

your bitter sweet memories

could somebody really forget the past, totally utterly and completely, I sometimes wonder, and just a song reminds me of you and your sweet smile and your tender caress.
Why is it that when i try the most to forget you i remember you the best, is if i try to loose your memories in this heart of mind or is it my mind?

oh que brillantes y bonitos estos pensamientos y recuerdos de nuestras aventuras de aventureros. De nuestras caminatas de caminantes y de muchos muchos amantes entre tu y yo. la verdad es que tu dulce boca ardiente de almendra y azucar mentia y mentia por ver mi corazon de marzapan y vainilla bailar de alegria. Oh! pero que gran tonteria el de mi gran amor.

Es que tu vida de ramera se me cuelga y me hiere el corazon de quimera.
los brazos que algun dia me abrazaron, los labios que algun dia me besaron besan y abrazan a tantos a muchos a todos a nadie y terminan por desear aquello que se tuvo y hoy no tendras.

oh tentadora, pobre ruisenora, senorita de mis amores me tocas el pelo, me rozas el alma y me dejas con un centavo de limosna mientras yo me arrodillo y le pido a Dios me de piedad y paciencia para perdonarte el haberme roto el corazon.

exes vs. friends

could we be friends with our exes? I really don't know, see me for example I have remind friends rather yet acquited with one of my ex and i am trying to stay in touch with another one, although she is having issues about the whole thing. Why can we be friends with our exes..is it because we still like them or may be hate them... every time i have to end a relationship, well i get sad not at the issue of breaking the relationship.. but at the fact that once again i have lost a friend. Is it weird to be friends with your ex and to introducen them. Once I had a g/f who asked me if i ever have to introduce my ex so and so how do i introduce him? as my ex or my friend?
well there is no question my dear your friend, nobody needs to know he was you ex unless you want them to.

well now is my turn a month of so ago after breaking up with her and not talking for 4 months or so, she told me i was her ex................but wait a freaking minute I though we were dating...oh well, the point was...that once again i am in this predicament... are you my friend or my ex? well i hope i am your friend, unfortunately she still sees me as her ex....nice once again i am left with no friend and more bagage from an ex.. i really don't need exes but rather yet i do need friends..

HUMAN CONTACT

yesterday i met an array of personalities... it seemed as if i had packed a whole entire life in my pocket... experiencing speed dating was a very amazing thing..
The idea of talking to somebody you don't know, the idea of asking and answering questions that fullfill an unknowing craving of knowing of touching another human being..
It all started with meeting new people, new women...with a hello, with a how are you doing? what do you do? what do you like?
does it matter? does it matter if you like the color blue over the color purple..tell me does it really matter?
she looked interesting.. may be not.
wow, is she hurting inside.
who is she to think about that
she is cute
i am so tired
this is an experience of a lifetime...can i bet more sarcastic
why did i do this?
i really don't know.
I get my car and get inside of somebody else life and start wondering on how all these women share something in particular they are here to connect...to find that connection that is the ultimate connection..to find love.
and after mingling and flirting once again i found out the meaningless of this triffle...and i find a coincidence once again.. one of the girls tells me
i am a gemine
and i say i will never date gemines again
and she said well i did not like you because your name is the same as my ex
i don't like gemines because that was my ex
what a coincidence...is it? or is it just destiny and the world working its magic trying to tell me that there is not coincidence that it's may be destiny trying to fullfill and complete its final goal.
and once again i am left with this existencial question.

la verdad

Que es la verdad? algun dia no hemos puesto a pensar en que es la verdad.
cuando alguien nos pregunta como estamos solemos decir que bien, pero es esa la verdad? cuando alguien nos pregunta despues que un ser amado ha facellido si vamos a estar bien, y nosotros solemos decir, estare bien. Es esa la verdad?
Muchas veces pienso que ni nosotros mismos sabemos la verdad, fingimos saber, fingimos sentir, pero cual es el miedo a decir la verdad,no no estoy bien. no me duele en el alma. por que fingir algo que no setimos pero lo decimos; por que eso es lo que los demas esperan escuchar... por que no decir la verdad.. no no me gusta, no no estoy bien. oh tal ves otra cosa lo que sea con solo que sea la verdad.

felicidad

Esta mañana me levante, comencé por cepillar me los dientes me metie al bano y me vesti.

En el apuro de la vida se me olvido este dia.
En el sin de el trabajo de lo poco que me dan carajo..
Se me olvido algo importante.


Corriendo de arriba para abajo, de abajo para arriba.
Moviendo papel noche y dia.
Se me olvido otro dia.


Se me olvido recordar de las manos que me abrazaron,
Se me olvido recordar recordar de los dias en que ella me cuido
Se me olvido recordar en los dias y noches en que ella por mi se preocupo.

Al llegar a mi casa mi telefono sono.
Mi hijito querido como esta?
Si se siente cansado, si se siente infeliz
Visiteme usted a mi
Recuerdese que solo hay una vida y mas vale vivirla feliz.

Me levante por la manana me lave los dientes me vesti
Me fui corriendo al trabajo y ni cuenta me di de los meses y anos que pasaron sobre mi

Llege a mi casa y mi telefono sono.
En la otra linea una vos me dijo tu madre murio.
Me olvide de visitarla, me olvide de llamarla.
Me olvide de mi madre.

Perdoname madre mia por mi espantosa apatía
Perdoname por que la felicidad estaba aquí
Y nunca la supe vivir..
Perdoname madre mia.
Feliz dia de las madres a ti.

INSIDE

What do you see when you take a look inside?
What do you see when you feel your feelings.
What is inside?
Do you know that person?
Do you know the person that sometimes hides inside
Is it shy
Is it wonderful
Is it selfish
Who are you inside please let me see you.
Please I beg of you to let me take a peek inside….

Let me bathe in the colors of your soul
Let my eyes see the light that is you
And once I have done all of that I will know that you are just like me
A human being, a soul in need of love.

OUR DREAMS

Yesterday as I was driving on my way to home, I started thinking about all those people protesting on the street, missing work, screaming their lungs out for a dream, for something that everybody seems to want but a lot of people forget… the dream to live a better life. I wish I could had been there… with those people, marching and chanting that I wanted the same thing for them which is the best…but unfortunately I was not there…. Now I wonder how many things have missed because I am too afraid….My parents came to this country with a dream as a pillow, with a desire to work as a blanket, with ganas, ganas to make money and help all of their family members…. Up to this point they still have that ganas, but now and then they tell me, “I am tired mi hija”. Now it’s my turn, it’s my turn to continue with my goals, to grab those ganas to progress, to fly and soar above the sky to reach the goals and dreams that I once dreamt. Today it’s your day to let your imagination run wild and dream of all the possibilities that are available to you, and as you dream try to reach for the stars and on the way there, try to help out everybody else because you will find out that dreams taste better when shared with those people you love.

A CALL FROM YOU

As I await for your voice to come through a single call, my poor tormented heart aches of pain and love.
Day by day and night by night I lay awake in my bed wondering of your whereabouts, seeking within my own mind the scarce memories that we shared sometime.
I long for your embrace and for your soft face upon my bosom. I long for your sweet, sweet kiss that would send me spiraling in a vertigo of love and lust. How can I even describe the torment that lays within my soul and that is cause by the emptiness of my bed, by the chair next to me now empty. I toss and turn in my sleep when I dream of you and your love, those endless nights that would exhaust us both with passion within our blood, with lustful eyes seeking each other’s bodies, for secret places where to kiss and to caress. I would forever keep within my mind the rapid thumping of your heart as we lay in each other’s arms. It is now twelve at night and I doze off in my bed thinking of those greater days. Tomorrow I shall lay once again awake thinking of you and those greater days, once more

A WORLD FOR TWO

With her i created a world of fantasy and dreams, of everything in between..
a world that never existed. that never was there, a world intangible ... a world that nobody can see but just you and me...
as i break my dream in two and emerge to reality.... i see all of them staring, looking, ouggling, gazing.
I look down and try not to cry, I let go of you hand and let go all the fears that i keep deep inside..

i will forever love you here in the secret compartment that my heart has, in the meatime i will learn to read between the rainbows and the rain and enjoy the beauty of fog up on the mountains and in the sky.

THE ONE

how do you know who is the one?

How do you know who is the one, the one that makes your heart beat a thousand miles a hour. The one that you would give your life for, the one that no matter what happens, you will be there for them...( kind of scary statment).... who is the one...... is it our spouses, is it our friends, is it our parents, is it our children? or is all of them... or is it us? who is the one....?

questions

1. My ex is:sleeping I assumed….

.2. I am listening to:jack radio

3. Maybe I should:leave and never go back….j/k
4. I love:my family

5. My best friends are:all my friend

6. I don't understand:life ….. but it’s fun to try to understand it….lol

7. I lose:my cool now and then…..once a year…lol

8. People say I'm:reliable and a good friend.

9. The meaning of your MySpace name is:I am so out of that staff.

10. Love is:a very wonderful thing……to complex to explain, yet very simple to feel…

11. Somewhere, someone is:crying and thinking about their loved ones.

12. I will always:love with all my heart and live life to the fullest.13. Forever seems:just like a word to me…

14. I never want to:say never……

15. My cell phone is:a way of keep in touch with all my friends….

16. When I wake up in the morning:I thank god for another day and wonder on what other people are doing.

17. I get annoyed when:people don’t say what they want

18. Parties are:the best….

19. My dog is:dead

20. Kisses are the worst when:then stick their tongue all the way inside digging for who knows what……..

21. Today I will:work, work and then I will try to make my hon happy by going to some convention. (boring)

22. Tonight I:be bored out of my mind…..

23. Tomorrow I will:don’t know yet, but if it happens I will be at the mechanic..

24. I really want:
To have a new car and to go to the beach…

25. If I had a million dollars:
i will never tell anybody….and I would help everybody anonymously

tomorrow

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,And then is heard no more: it is a taleTold by an idiot, full of sound and fury,Signifying nothing."

--From Macbeth (V, v, 19)


what is life but a brief moment to explain, to enjoy, to suffer, to smile, cry and do a million things tomorrow is not yet here and we will never know if it will ever be here until tomorrow becomes today, therefore today i will live life to the fullest that i can i will tell you that i love you everyday. I will look at the sky and take the air into my lungs and enjoy the smell of coffee while i sip it, I will enjoy the fresh eccent that your clothes exude while i hug you goodbye.... today i will dress and look at myself and tell it to the mirror, that i wish that all my lovers, and all my friends find the love that they deserve.....
Today as i walk through the park i will look at the person that is walking across the street and smile, and when time comes to eat i will enjoy my food as if it was the best i ever had...........
and while i work i will sporadically remember the memories that you and i made over this inmese planet, and i would smile while nobody else cares.
and as time approaches to go to bed i will call you and tell you that i love you and wish you the best.....before i close my eyes i will think that tomorrow is not yet here, but today oh what a beatiful day it was.... and please forgive me for anything that i might have done wrong, and if i don't see tomorrow, may the forever dream be like this where my friends find love, my foes become foes no more, and my love for you will forever grow.

los planetas del amor

Si jupiter y marte se encuentra en el cielo
Si tu corazon, no encuntras el amor que anhelo
Permiteme monstrarte mi mas preciado tesoro
aqui he guardado para ti.


Entre este mundo y el cielo se encuentra supendido mi amor
Entre este mundo de desaventuras y curiosas armaduras
Se encuentra mi corazon
Llorando por triztesa, llorando por tu desamor

Los planetas se visten de colores mientras yo muero por amores
Las estrellas celestiales se transforman en recuerdos suspendidos por el tiempo
Y tu amor se me acongoja y se me habren las heridas de ayeres
dentro muy dentro del corazon una lagrima se acongoja en el tormento
y me dejo llevar por el aire celestial que me transforma en angel terrenal.

what humans need

What do we need as humans, is it that need human contact all the time, is it that we need reassurance that we still exist. what do we need to make sure that we are happy, is it that every time we think we have everything we actually don't. May be . Why do we always want something we don't have, and when we have it it no longer matter. today as i sit on my living room i ponder on how so many people out there feel like me and how many people want to reachout to me and how many people i want to reach out to but we can't. how do we reach out to people nowadays. do we do it by email, do we do it b mai, do we do it by text...........we try to become so detach from the other persons. Why then if we want to have love and be able to touch somebody's soul, we keep on running away, we keep on running from what we really love, we get scare the minute somebody say i love you, the minute somebody says i care........why sometimes we care for people that don't care about us, or may be is it that we don't want them to know that we care...................................can you tell me, all my life i have been wondering why isn't it that another human being just reaches out and touches me right here, here.................................in my soul where it matters............................................why doesn't something write back a note and tells me that they care..............................they care about the way i feel, they care about how i really feel inside..........................................................why everytime i see somebody i want to meet they just vanish in the inmensity of the world population............how many times did i see her standing there......how many times did i wanted to say hello.......how many time i wanted to ask you what type of music do you hear while you drive in your car...........how do you feel every time you watch the stars..............now i leave this ramdom note to see if anybody out there feels like touching the soul of another human being, next time just smile and you will have touch that soul that aches to be touch. love is magic and sometimes it's in the oddest place you can ever expect it to be.........

my b day and more

yesterday it was my b day........ wow, 29 wonderful...... life feels somehow incomplete yet, i want to travel more...I want to see the world...... I want to explore the universe and I want to tell everybody about the beauty of humans and of the world......
i want to tell you how wonderful it's to stand in the rain while the song sweet home alabama is on the back ground and all you can see is the long...long horizon and the green pasture. Today it has been raining and i can not quite concentrate as my grandmother is very sick....
i want to go and stand on the rain while the tiny drops get confuse along with my tears and i wonder how come sometimes life is too short to begin living it nonetheless to begin understanding it. As i get in to my car today i would want to travel to places that i have never been and try to excape the past that makes me who i am.

a wonderful dawn

have you ever stay up all night long? have you ever wake up around 4 in the morning to run errands? have u ever just wanted to be adventorous and watch the dawn? This is the most incredible sight one can catch. when the sun is just peaking it's so glorious rays, when the sky stars to fill with a thousand colors forming this beautiful palate......Everything changes, in those instants. It is as if you are free and as if everything is new, everything looks different at those moments. Not too long ago i got to experience this phenomena... while i was on the plane i felt the morning and the sun on all its glory hitting the planes with a light so intense and colors so radiant that i thought that life had just started then and there, that everything was going to be ok. A couple of months ago i had watch the Dawn from the rearview mirror on my way to san francisco, unfortunately i never made it to san francisco but that sight i shall always remember and her holding my hand while we drove without a care........

happy........ nay

what is happiness, really, i ask of everybody what would make them happy every time i have a chance. sometimes i think happiness is like a drug.... given in small or big doses, when you don't have it you crave it so bad... this weekend was full of happiness, i had my first party @ my apartment. I celebrated with my family and friends and well it was great but then i wake up to my reality, the one that i live everyday...yuck.... well tonight i will seek once again a moment of happiness by reclining in my chair and looking for a good book online while my head ponders on why is everybody always looking for happiness..... why?.....is it the euphoric sensation? or is it that this specific state of mind makes us feel more aware of who we are? or is it that this state of mind makes us be better and do better things. but what kind of better things?.......I wonder and wonder.....

pch
ah..... the wonders of music, if you listen to a melancholic song while driving the pch highway it seems like the world is never going to end and you are in a quest to find happiness and to get a away from everthing that hurts.
the pacific coast highway is the best strech to get on your car and star driving while listening to either some sad ass songs or may be star listening to some dancing songs...
so go ahead let you hair down, blast the stereo and feel the wind in your face, going through your hair and feel how the sorrows go away, or how the memories come back....
or may be leave all the painful and sad memories behind while you can
see what new things are possible, how many new places does this highway takes you to.

now i am going drive and listen to this song....while i try to forget her.


Let It Die
( written by Feist )

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear Don't you wish
that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is That we're not in love
The saddest part of a broken heart Isn't the ending so much as the start
It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away
And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want I learned that with you
The saddest part of a broken heart Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart Isn't the ending so much as the start

SANTA BARBARA

Quiero ver de lo que voy a hablar a hora, la verdad es que esta mañana vi hacia el horizonte y vi lo bonito que esta el camino hacia santa barbara.
Santa barbara es uno de esos lugares donde llegas caminas las calles vas a las pequenas tiendas, y luego comes en un restaurant lujoso y comodo. La verdad es que Santa Barbara es un ciudad tranquila en la cual pues irte de compras, visitar la misión, irte a asolear a la playa, caminar a la playa, andar en bicicleta y comer un almuerzo o cena fenomenal. La ultima ves que fui a santa barbara era de noche y logre ver lo grandioso del cielo y el clamor de mar, mientras me decidia a quedarme con mi ex o seguir con la persona mas adventureras.. oh my god life turn so many ways, but if you are ever in California g oto santa barbara y feel how the city enchants you and engulf you in a peaceful way.

lo que traigo por dentro

Muchas veces no entiendo que las partes de mi cuerpo forma la nada de mi alma
Que lo mucho que hoy tengo tal vez no lo tendre manana.
Realmente no lo entiendo, no lo comprendo.
Es que es tu cuerpo el que me asusta mis pensamientos.
Es que es tu maldito recuerdo que gobierna mi pensamiento.

Oh yo ya ago mar adentro, muy adentro
Donde solo se mira el sol y me recuerdo de mis sentimientos

Explicame tu angel de mis tormentos
Que es esto que traigo por dentro
Que es lo que me come dia a dia
Que parece alegria pero termina en tormento.

DINAH SHORE AND OTHER THINGS

this weekend was a mellow chill out weekend and yet very exciting, oh, my what an oxymoron. saturday felt like i was doing so much, did laundry, had lunch with my mom and sis, and then headed to palm desert.....

oh the drive was awsome, to see the desert and the sun hitting against the mountains, and those wind thingies....lol

but the best was to lay at the pool while the sun hit me and just chill while some old guy try to stare my way because i was wearing a white t shirt while swimming with no bra....( oh what i rebel...lol).

then i headed my toushy to the Dinah Shore pool party... oh there were some cute girls.. there some not cute girls...... and there was that awful band betty......hay dios mio, corro y me cubro los oidos....lol...

i danced for 2 hours and looked and some girl started to grind me and then i just had a blast... but for some reason she always comes to my head even if it's for a millisecond.. i hate that i wish i could just erase her from my mind. but i know this is life and only time will erase her from my memory...

in the mean time i ended up flirting heavily with one of my best friends on friday.. that was so weird... but yet i think that day we could have mack on.... rather yet kiss i don't know why there was an attraction that day... oh my god i am attracted to my best friend...

today just a regular day but there is this song that i love that just makes my heart do a little summersault

ZERO 7 LYRICS"

Distractions"

Fancy a big house

Some kids and a horse

I can not quite, but nearly

Guarantee, a divorce

I think that I love you

Ithink that I doSo go on mister,

make Miss me Mrs you.

I love you, I love you, I love you,

I doI only make jokes to distract myself

From the truth, from the truth.

Fancy a fast carA bag full of loot

I can nearly guaranteeYou'll end up with the boot

I love you, I love you, I love you , I do

I only make jokes to distract myself

From the truth, from the truth.

I love you, I love you, I love you ,

I doI only make jokes to distract myself

From the truth, from the truth.

EL CUENTO DE NUNCA ACABAR

HE DE COMENSAR POR LO MAS SENCILLO Y LO MAS BASICO, UNA DE ESAS COSAS QUE EXPLICAN Y QUE LOGRAS ENTENDER CON UNA PALABRA. ELLA ERA UNA DE ESAS MUJERES QUE TE ENCUENTRAS EN LA CALLE CUANDO VAS HACIA EL MERCADO. ELLA ERA UN POCO ALTA, DELGADA CON UNA CARA QUE PARECIA HABER VISTO AL DIVINO SALVADOR, Y ESTE LE HABIA ALUMBRADO EL CAMINO. SU PIEL DE COLOR CANELA PARECIA PERFECTA CUANDO LA LUZ DEL SOL SE POSABA EN SUS MEJILLAS. TODA ELLA ESTABA LLENA DE UNA INOCENCIA DE NINA ADOLESCENTE, AUQUE YA SE ENCONTRABA BIEN ENTRADA EN LOS CUARENTAS. CADA VES QUE LA MIRABA PARARSE Y MIRAR TODAS LAS VERDURAS EN EL PUESTO DE ENFRENTE, TOMABA CADA UNA DE ELLAS COMO SI FUERA UNA DE LAS MAS PIEDRAS PRECIOSAS PODIDAS ALLAR EN EL FONDO DE LAS MINAS DE BRAZIL. TODOS LOS DIAS ERA UN RITUAL EL VERLA PASAR Y PERSIVIR CADA UNO DE LOS MOVIMIENTOS DE SUS MANOS, SU CINTURA Y DE SUS CAMINAR. EN MI MENTE ME IMAGINABA QUE AQUELLA MUJER VIVIA EN UNA CASA DE LAS COLONIAS RICAS DONDE SOLAMENTE SE PODIA VER UN PORTON NEGRO AL FRENTE Y MAS ALLA DE ESO SE ENCONTRABA UNA DE ESA CASAS GRANDES EN LAS CUALES TE PERDIAS EN SU INMENSIDAD. PERO FUE UNO DE ESO DIAS SOLEADOS CUANDO SU PRENSENCIA LE HIZO FALTA AL DIA PARA COMPLETAMENTE SER UN DIA ESQUIZITO. ESE DIA MI CABEZA DIO VUELTAS Y VUELTAS EN SPIRAL. ME HUNDIA EN UN TORMENTO Y UNA ANSIEDAD QUE ME COMIA POR DENTRO. DONDE ESTARA? LE HABRA PASADO ALGO? HABRA MUERTO? MI MENTE CONJURO UN MILLON DE PREGUNTAS Y POSIBILIDADES. AL LLEGAR LA TARDE, HUBIERA QURIDO CORRER HACIA SU CASA PERO NUNCA ME ATREVI A SEGUIRLA NI TAN SIQUIERA A DIRIGIRLE UNA PALABRA.
UNA SEMANA HABIA PASADO DESDE AQUEL DIA EN QUE DEJO DE VENIR. Mi Mente ya no era mas que un punado de telas de arana, mi mente era aquel ricon mas oscuro que se pueda encontrar en el subterraneo de mi abuela. Todos los dias habia recorido calles enteras, colonias, me habia subido a diferentes rutas de buses para ver si por casualidad la podia ver. En esos dias de busquedad habia tal ves encontrado muchas cosas y gentes que de alguna manera jugarian un papel en mi vida futura. El dia que la deje de ver fue un lunes, ese dia me dispuse a caminar todo el mercado cerrando mi puesto muy temprano. Me diriji hacia la parte sur donde se ponen a verder las gallineras. Yo les preguntaba si por casualidad habian visto a una mujer de estatura alta, de piel moreno y de ojos color canela. Pero desafortunadamente, nadie sabia darme explicacion. Conoci por casualidad a dona Romena. Dona Romena ya tenia sus sensenta anos de edad una viejita tan escandalosa y picara, que me hacia sonrojar con sus chistes y sus hablurias me hacian sentirme incomodo. Ella me conto de cómo ella creia habarla visto, me dijo “ si mi hijito, se me hace que yo vi a esa senora por aquí”
-pero digame mi hijito, a usted le gustan la gallina vieja?
-Mire que usted esta bien jovencito
Realmente me dio vergüenza admitir mi pasion por esa mujer
-No dona Romena, como creer usted es que le debe unos centavos a mi mama, fue a comprar unas especias y las dejo fiadas.
-pues que mi hijito, si yo la miro yo le digo, que mujer mas sin vergüenza.
-Gracias dona Romena
La verdad es que me daba vergüenza yo a mis veinte anos enamorado de una senora de cuarenta.
No se de donde se me habia salido el decir tan grande mentira, ella nunca se habia parado enfrente de mi puesto. Que gran mentira, era mi vida nunca habia tenido novia, me dedicaba a cuidadar el puesto del mercado desde que mi madre, se habia puesto mala. La verdad es que nunca tuve una juventud. Cuando cumpli los 7 anos de edad mi padre se marcho de la casa, el rumor era que se habia acompanado con una de esas senoras amigas de mi mama, pero yo sabia muy bien que eso no era cierto, el se habia ido al oriente, donde todavia vivian sus tios, uno de los doctores que habia visitado lo habia diagnosticado con cancer. Por no quere ver a mi madre sufrir se marcho. La verdad es que nunca supimos de el, en mi mente siempre lo recuerdo como era un hombre un poco bajito, con un bigote negro como el carbon, siempre con su machete al lado con un sombrero de labrador. Mi madre se convirtio desde ese dia en que mi padre se marcho en madre y padre. Su vida no era facil, mientras yo hiba a la escuela, ella se levantaba temprano por la manana y calentaba un jarron de café, mientras yo me banaba y me preparaba para ir a la escuela. El negocio del mercado se lo habia dado mi padre antes que yo naciera, con el dinero del negocio y el sueldo de mi padre se habia llegado a comprar una cama con colchon de resortes, una cocina de gas propano, y una refrigeradora. Luego cuando naci yo, comenzaron a ahorrar dinero para comprarse un televisor. Mis padres habia trabajado arduamente para poder llegar a tener cosas materiales que sus padres nunca pensaron en tener o talvez que ellos mismos sabian que nunca llegarian a tener. Mis abuelos por parte de padre era uno viejitos que vivian de sus vegetales, de la milpa y el maicillo que crecian cada ano. Los Padres de mi madre habian muerto hace ya casi siete anos atrás, ellos vivia en la parte oriente del pais. La verdad es que a mi me gustaba ir a la casa de mi abuelos. Era aquella montanas llenas de maleza y de insectos, era los charcos lleno de lodo y zancudos, era toda aquella selva llena de arboles, arboles frutales, de arboles frondosos y grandes. Todo aquella tierra se me hacia tan virgen, donde solo los pajaros y los insectos podian penetrar su anchura y belleza. Ademas de tanta belleza verde, entre todo aquella jungla se escondia un riachuelo, cuando me paraba a la orilla de ese rio podia ver las aguas cristalinas moviendose hacia lo mas lejano, hasta donde todo el verdusco color de las plantas se lo tragaba poco a poco. Todo aquel gran mundo era mi mundo, nuevos sitios que conocer, nuevos caminos que recorer y nuevos caminos que emperzar. La verdad era que toda aquella tierra era una aventura para mi. Uno de los dias mas inovidables de mi vida fue durante el mes de marzo, nunca pense que tal cosa me hiba a ocurrir a mi. Tal vez tenia como unos diez anos de edad. Esa manana me habia levantado de la cama tempranito y le habia dicho a mi mama, que me hiba a ir donde mis abuelos a pasar el fin de semana,
-mi hijito tenga cuidado cuando pase por los filincos y por esas veredas que mire que hay culebras por alla.
-como cree usted mama, no se preocupe yo ya estoy grande y se me cuidar
-bueno pues como usted quiera.
Todavia no puedo creer que mi madre me trataba de usted, me hacia sentir una persona adulta y yo como cual aunque solo con dies y unos que cuantos meses por delante me sentia un hombre ya.
-bueno pues mama la miro el domingo.
-que Dios me cuide mi hijito
Me sentia tan inportante esta era la tercera ves que mi madre me dejaba ir solo a ver a mis abuelos desde que mi padre se marcho, habia heredado la hombria y toda el valor de un hombre de veinte; bueno tan siquiera eso era lo que pensaba yo.
La manana era hermosa, los rayos del sol comenzaban a salir por detrás de la montana y banaban las laderas, era una manana de brillante amanecer y de un olor a pan y tierra mojada. Esa manana me habia tomado dos tasas de café y me habia comido un pan frances con frijoles y crema. La caminada que tenia que dar era de por lo menos una hora. A mi paso me encontraba a los vecinos que me decian
-para donde vas tan temprano carlitos?
-para la casa de mis abuelos.
-bueno pues, me saludas a don geronimo y a dona juana
-muchas gracias
mi mama me habia puesto una matata llena de dulce de atado, unos pastelitos de pina, una semita, y un libra de café perico. Mi caminata siempre comenzaba recongiendo un palito, con el cual hiba botando hojas, y pengadole al aire como si fuera peleando a espadachinazos con algun monstruo invisible. Esta manana me habia encontrado un palo muy bonito ya que estaba seco y por mas que le dava contra las hojas no se quebraba, yo era invensible contra cualquiera.
Ya que habia pasado el rio me decide sentarme en una de las piedras cerca del rio y comerme otro pan frances y tomar de una pichinga con agua que mi mama me habia puesto. Me quede quietecito, quietecito cuando vi que una masacuata venia saliedo detrás de uno de los arbustos, me dio un susto tremendo, que no sabia que hacer si pararme y correr o quedarme quieto. Todo aquello que mi mama y mi papa me habia ensenado se me olvido tan rapidamente como el rayo. En todo aquello el corazon se me hazeleraba a quinientas millas por hora, y un sudor helado comenzaba a correrme por la frente. En ese momento mi hombría se me fue hasta el fondo del estomago, ya que sentí unas ganas de llorar, pero la suerte mía que siempre me acompaña, la anímala se fue buscando no se y se hundió en los arbustos opuestos a mi, esto me dio tiempo de levantar en un salto de liebre y correr lo mas rápido que pude. Creo que esa ocasión me enseño a entender que no importara lo fuerte o lo hombre que yo me creyera, solo necesitaba una cosa simple y pequeña muchas veces inofensiva para que mi valor y hombría se fueran hacia los suelos. Llegue a la casa de mis abuelos mi abuelita esta calentado unos tamales de elote para el almuerzo. Cuando entre a la casa.
-mira quien llego?
-buenos días abuelita!
-buenos días mi hijito
-Rodrigo, mi hijito como has estado
-Muy bien abuelito y usted?
- Pasándola Mi Hijito, pasándola
Mi abuelito ya estaba muy viejo, tenia el caballo todo blanco y sus arrugas pareciann un monton de arados juntos. Que ya habían vistos muchas plantaciones, sequías, pestes, y quien sabe que mas. Mi abuelo había nacido en un pueblito que se llama guaymanco, este pueblo se encontraban como a 40 kilómetros de las costa, el pueblo en aquel tiempo no estaba muy poblado, tal vez vivían unas 450 gentes en todo el pueblo.
Mi abuelo era bajito, media unos cinco pies y cuatro pulgadas de altura, tal vez en algun tiempo atrás habia sido mas alto, mi abuelita era a un mas bajita. Me dava una gran emocion cuando los hiba a visitar. Me encantaba cuando los dos se sentaba a comer y mi abuelo comenzaba a contar todas sus azanas de nino o de joven, y pues tambien me encataba escuchar a mi abuela decirle
-callate viejo vos, solo sos babosadas
A lo que el le respondia
-no le escuches a tu abuela, que esta loca
Me dava un risa
- mira Rodrigo me le decis a ala flor que muchas gracias por el queso y por la crema y tambien por el pan de dulce
- ya eran como las 4 de la tarde y tenia que emprender mi viaje de regreso a la casa, pero la verdad es que no queria partir de esa choza, la sencillez y el amor que se respiraba eran incomparables. Nunca pude encontrar otro lugar en el mundo que se sintiera igual, simpre busque por todas las partes del mundo por las que viaje pero nunca lo supe encotrar
- bueno abuelito ya me tengo que ir, pero acuerdese de mi, cuando corte los jocotes, por que yo voy a venir la proxima semana.
- Claro que si mi hijito me voy acordar y le voy aguardar los mas rojos.
- Gracias abuelito.

El corazon se me llenaba de un gran sentimiento cuando comenze a caminar hacia la puerta
-vaya con Dios mi hijito, me dijo mi abuelita.

La verdad era que muchas veces sentia que mi pobre corazon se me quebraba al verlos a los dos ya tan viejitos, me hubiera gustado tener dinero y comprarles todo lo que necesitaban.

ALL BECAUSE OF HER

guess, what i will always remember San Diego,,.... and all because of her...

i loved her and she left.....oh my poor heart is now broken...

can you please mend it for me, can you tell her i am here waiting for her and for her love while time moves on!

Oh, the concert of the black eyed peas was faboulous.....lol.. the pussy cat dolls were.... more than yummy.... excellent.... sometimes i ponder whatever i am a bit too surf board dude.... But anyways..

the concert was a really good, the pussy cat dolls were well, eye candy... my sister was ecstatic,

On wednesday i had lunch with one of my friends/ which in the past had been trying to go out with me.... totally weird mess that i got myself into at that time, dating 3 different girls.... i was the most unhappy person at the time, but everybody though i was so so happy and that i was such a player....wow, i was stud.....lol.... but really i would have love for one of them to love me the way i loved her... darn, falling in love.... (do not recommend it, do not condoned it, will not do it in the future.....lol i think...lol)


anyways it was like old times with her, talking about the girls and how many girls throw themselves at her.. blah, blah, blah... .


Today i feel excited, tomoroow is friday and on sunday i am going to palm springs baby, yeah baby...

today i got smelled by a girl, she came closed to me and then grab me by the shoulders and said wow, you smell good and she pressed her nose against my shirt.... that was funny yet i liked it a lot she made me blush

and somebody continues making me loose my patience.....oh dios mio.....

well this weekend was a great getaway from the routine..... on friday i enjoyed a night at the amoeba music store over on sunset blvd. browsing for used cd's to add to my inmense music collection.... the best way to buy a good cd without having to spend tons of money... and also to find those rare cd's that became extinct long ago, that was a brief outting

on saturday woke up earlier to volunteer to do the run for life verdugo mental health walk or run, i must say i had fun, i was cutting bagels and bread and then monitoring them .....LOL
oh, well i got a shirt and a wonderful experience and on top of that it was the first time i got to tell L, how one sided our friendship has been, she is a little selfish b*&%$ But what can i do, that's her.....

later on I went to have lunch with my old roomates dude, it felt so good to see them again, we all got some kind of love problem we either lack of it, have it but don't want it or just plainly play around it without becoming to entagle with it...
we had sushi,.....yummy and then i had to cut our lunch short because i had to go and get a hair cut.

my hair cut was cool then after that i headed to have the most yummy chinese food, this is a restaurant on chrenshaw blvd in torrace, dude they have this meat dumplings that are so tasty... and i accompanied my dumplings with some milk tea...delicious

AND then i headed to my concert....kcrw...evening eclectic.... the best there could be Sia, Feist, Gomez, franz ferdinand, Death cab for cutie, ben harper. just the best...when the song soul meets body came on i did not even felt it but tears started rolling down my cheeks and i remeber her, God she was beautiful.....and she used to loved that song so much... i used to think that she was too good to be true, but anyways that's another story.

as the day ended i felt completed, i had a full day.




sunday morning i woke up around 9 lounge in my bed until 10 then, i took a shower got ready for the engament party got into a fight with my girl, made her cry..i am such an ass sometimes, but trust me i payed for it with that other girl... from a couple of months ago...she broke my heart and then stomp on it some more just for the joy of it....terrible... but oh well.

went to the party dude z. was looking gourgeous and her groom or to be groom looked handsome , man it was a 4 hour ordeal, the groom's friends gave speeches and the bride to be parents, and sister, there was a point that was very emotional and touchy and once again i got that weird sense that she was going to cry and i was right the bride to be started to tear and my girl's eyes were full of tears, I was like the ass that i am tearless... but yet i felt their emotions, i wish i could have tear as well, but i did not, instead once again i remembered my ex.....damn it... anyways.. after the party was over....


i headed to the beach to our beautiful newport beach...oh my god it was cold we decided to get a cup of coffee , we walked along and we came by hotel where we stayed the last night we decided , well more like i decided to leave her for a year....

then we walked and we realized we had forgotten our wallets in the car so we could not get coffee, we laugh and i made fun of her on how can she take out somebody on a date if she keeps on forgetting her wallet... i felt like old times again but yet a memory of v came to my mind when i saw a couple making out at the beach, we did that once and on my it was so hot....

well my mind came back to myself and and L and me started to drive back to torrance, We ate some sweet, really sweet crepes and more milk tea...yeah!!!!! for the milk tea... and then i drove home and listen to Madonna while trying to forget about v again.

When I was a little girl........ ,that's kind of boring well, first of all I was born in El salvador long time ago, to be more or less exact about 28 years ago, it's a girl they said, and voila (poor french) I was born. To my dimay my mother left the country when i was two and i was left with one of my aunts and my gradma.

oh well,
then from there on I think I just enjoyed life as a wanted be orphan...lol (j/k) i love my aunt and my gradma for raising me all those years. I have been a wondered ever since that age. I remember when i used to live at the same home as my godmother, since she was my god mother and my aunt's boss, my aunt happened to be the housekeeper at the house.

My memories of that house are very few, i remembered we used to sleep in this room which was painted in this baby blue color , the bed layed at a corner of the room, next to the wall. There was a small table position right in front of the bed and above the table there was a small window in which I could see the patio. Our decorations consisted of a old image of st. francis of asis.